Change

via flickr



I found the quote above awhile ago and just thought YES.  This describes what I have been going through.  Here's the thing--I hate change.  Always have.  I always have trouble with it.  Yet, I chose a life that would require me to go through major changes.  Maybe not forever.  Hopefully not forever.  But for the early part of our professional careers. 

If I had my choice, I would be living in Indianapolis.  I have positive things to say about every place I have ever lived, but Indy was home.  A big city that didn't feel like a big city.  An hour from my parents.  An hour from my favorite school with my favorite sports.  My favorite professional sports team minutes away.  Good shopping.  Good restaurants.  Good schools.  Good friends.  I will never live there again.  At least not that we can see.  There aren't programs/jobs for Ben there.  I knew that when I moved from Indianapolis to South Carolina.  I knew when we decided that he would pursue his Ph.D at Clemson instead of Purdue like we had originally thought that I might never have the opportunity to live in Indiana again.  It was hard.  Unbelievably hard.  But it was the right choice, and I wouldn't even think twice if asked to make it again.

A year ago, we made another huge change.  We moved to Missouri.  It was a great opportunity.  It is a wonderful college town.  It is in the Midwest (I wanted midwest or southeast) so we can still drive to see family/friends and not always have to fly.  I like it here a lot.  But this year has been hard.  I am naturally a moody person, and this change has made me more so.  Some days I'm so happy to be here.  I do truly really like it here.  Other days I'm quite down.  I don't have many friends.  I have a few who I am truly grateful to have, but it's hard to make friends as an adult.  We underestimated the amount of time and work that Ben would have as a new professor.  Because of that, some of the plans we had made and the things we thought we would be able to be doing, we're not.  It's another change for someone who is a planner and is having my plans messed with. Grr... Just a note, if you ever decide to marry someone who will be a new research I university professor, know the first few years will be BUSY and hard.  The work is more than it was with the Ph.D., and that was just unexpected.  I like knowing what to expect.  Don't get me wrong, he loves it.  It is a wonderful position, but it's just time consuming at the beginning.  And it factors into my ability to deal with change. 

I know this is natural.  I have been through a big move before.  It takes time.  I'm lucky that I do feel like this could be my long-term home.  I will meet people as time goes on.  Ben's job will get less time consuming.  We'll be able to make plans.  There is so much good to come and good here.  So I proceed knowing this and doing things that will build our life here.  I will proceed as Erica Jong said:

"I have accepted fear as a part of life--specifically the fear of change...I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back."

Because good lies ahead.